I want to share with all of you some more of my testimony of how the Lord has delivered me from the bondage in which I used to live, and how he has given me power and authority to live the victorious life he has planned for me. Now, before I say anything else, let me say this: I still stumble and fall, I still make mistakes. I always will this side of eternity. But the difference in me now and me before is that now, I know who I am in Christ, and I believe that I am fully accepted in him. I am being renewed day by day, instead of spinning my wheels in a spiritual ditch.
There is an old saying that goes something like, "If you want to know where you are going, you have got to know where you have been." I have been in some pretty dark places. But I thank God everyday for the good news in 1 Peter 2:9, which says, "You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who brought you OUT darkness, into his marvelous light." God chose me because he wanted me, mess and all.
I became a Christian when I was ten years old. I know at that moment, on December 7, 1997, I genuinely received the Lord Jesus Christ into my life and he became my Lord and Savior. I had grown up I church for most of my childhood, and I understood what salvation meant, and that I needed it, and that I could not have it apart from a relationship with Jesus. So that was the beginning of my new life in Christ.
I was fortunate enough to have a pastor and church leaders who discipled me immediately after I got saved. I began reading my Bible and learning more, and when I started middle school I became involved with the youth group. It seemed to everyone that I had a bright future ahead of me. But no one, not even those closest to me, ever imagined what I would begin going through right after I started high school.
In tenth grade, out of the blue, I started getting depressed. At first, my parents were shocked by it and even in denial a little bit. But it became worse every week as I started withdrawing from everything and everyone, and my thinking became distorted. I even quit eating and sleeping. How was this normal for the star student in the youth group, who never caved in to peer pressure, who was going on mission trips and memorizing whole chapters of the Bible? From a human perspective it made absolutely no sense. And, there had been no recent trauma or change in my life that had triggered this.
What I went through at that age, I can honestly say, was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through in my whole life. I was suicidal and very confused. I blamed myself for my inner struggle, and I convinced myself that I wasn't really saved at all. If I were really saved, why would I be going through all this? Christians don't have depression. The reason why people are treated for clinical depression is because they need God (or so I had heard.)
I ended up being hospitalized twice for my bouts with depression, and I was put on medication that stabilized me and helped me to function in a healthy way. But even though the physical, chemical symptoms were gone, a confusion still remained. I still had so many unanswered questions. My battle was far from over.
As the years went by, I went to counseling on and off, some Christian and some secular. In my experience, the difference in Christian and secular counseling is night and day. Someone who comes to receive counseling should be looked at holistically, meaning their mind, body, soul, spirit, and all their human relationships overlap, and when one is affected, they are all affected in some way. Secular counseling does not do this, but good, quality Christian counseling does.
Even though I was able to function after being put on medication, I was far from "better." Medication can't fix a spiritual battle. Although I am not opposed to medication used to treat psychological problems, and I certainly advocate its use under the care of a doctor, I am just saying that by itself, it is only going to treat part of the problem. But I believe it is a fallacy to measure a person's spiritual maturity by whether or not they take medications for psychological problems.
Having said all this, even though I was taking this medication (which secular psychology says is all I need) I still didn't understand what was going on. Spiritually, I was still a mess. I just couldn't bring myself to isolate that event in my life as some fluke of brain chemistry and then move on. This is what my life looked like: I was constantly mad at myself for not being good enough. I was constantly frozen by fear of rejection. I had no hope. I was in a cloud of confusion. I was constantly striving to be better. I felt like I was still waiting to "arrive" with God, still waiting to get his approval, which was always out of my reach.
Can medication give me these things? Can medication help me be good enough? Can it help me to feel accepted? Can it give me hope? This is where the rubber meets the road, where the spiritual side of my struggle came in. What about the Bible? Does the Bible talk specifically about all this?
There was one verse in the Bible that I remember I always looked over in my teenage years and early twenties, because I never understood it. It was 1 John 4:18, which says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." I couldn't make it work. I was literally enslaved to fear, and I couldn't separate fear from love.
You see, before all this happened, I had had many difficult and sad things happen. My real dad, who I never really knew, died when I was ten years old. I grew up with a stepdad who I never felt close to and a mom with whom I was very disconnected. I even experienced physical and verbal abuse from these relationships. I have learned since then that, when we go through traumatic seasons, that we are much more vulnerable to be deceived into believing lies from the enemy. The only love that I knew from my human relationships was cold and full of fear, tinted with rejection. I remember when I was about twenty years old telling my stepdad that I felt like his approval was like a bar far above my head that, every time I got close to it, it was raised. But at the same time, I blamed myself for all this.
Because of this, I formed beliefs about myself and God. I saw myself as unworthy. I had an identity based in rejection and abandonment. I also had a lot of anger and bitterness. Now, this is where the problem lay. God allowed all these things to happen to me for a reason. He doesn't make mistakes. But we live in a world where relationships are corrupted by sin, and we are wide open targets for Satan day and night. When we do not use out authority in Christ to control what we can, this gives Satan an opportunity to sow into our lives.
Could I control what other people did to me? No. But do I have to live in slavery to the consequences of these actions? Can I control how I respond? No, I don't have to live in bondage, and yes, I am in control of my own reaction. Is it an overnight process? Heavens no! But it can be a reality daily in your life, and I am here to tell you, the freedom that Christ offers is so much greater than bondage to the enemy, and it is real, and it is available!
I began my journey to healing by starting to uncover the lies I had believed for years. I believe Satan's most effective attack against Christians is with their self-image. If you believe something about yourself, whether it is true or not, you will act on that. In psychology, this is called a "self-fulfilling prophecy." Spiritually, the Bible says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." God loves us with an everlasting love. God has forgiven me unconditionally of all of my sins. This is the gospel, and the gospel is my only hope for getting out of this trap of depression and bondage.
As I dug deeper into scripture, I began to realize the connection between me believing what God says about me and me being free. Changing wrong beliefs that you have held you whole life is HARD. And Satan hates it. I promise you, if you want to embark on a journey to do this for yourself, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED. But God made one thing very clear to me in Matthew 6:14-15, which says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
I needed to forgive those who had sinned against me (i.e., my parents.) It was not easy. At first I thought I couldn't forgive them, or I had to wait until I was ready to forgive them. But I don't heal in order to forgive, I forgive in order to heal. And when I chose to forgave my parents for the things that had happened that were wrong, I was able to experience the first taste of freedom.
In some cases, forgiveness also means reconciliation. However, my pastor, Jimmy Inman, has said, "It takes one to forgive, but it takes two to reconcile." Because of the ongoing problems I had had with them, I had a major falling out with them in 2009. I remember the day I forgave them (and I also told them that I forgave them.) But, in the case of my relationship with them, reconciliation has not happened. I have had to set up boundaries with them. But, as much as that hurts me, I know that I am still who I am in Christ. Even though I have felt the sting of rejection from my parents, I have been accepted by God, and he is the one who matters. I cannot control if other people accept me, but I can be secure in any circumstance because I know that I am accepted by God.
I have some good news. I have been growing in my relationship with God by leaps and bounds, and I am able to live a life filled with joy. When I look back on where I was and where I am now, I know I can say that I am secure in Christ. Jesus has destroyed the work of the enemy in my life. And although I am still on enemy ground here on the earth (and I am even more a target for him, now that I am walking in freedom) I am using my authority in Christ to live a life of victory over Satan. I am walking in his calling, and I believe that the best is yet to come.
I felt like God wanted me to write this today. We are called not to live in isolation or keep our struggles private, but to live in community and share. How has God set you free? In what way has Jesus destroyed the work of the enemy in your life?
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