You never know how many enemies you have until it's your turn to name a baby...

I don't remember when exactly in my first pregnancy that the conversation of "What will we name our baby" came up. I do know that it was before we discovered the gender. Our baby was born in December, and we found out on April 18 that I had joined the preggo club, so I imagine that this conversation occurred sometime in the early summer, although it had been brewing in both our minds for a long time. This was the gist of it.

Me: What do you want, a boy or a girl?

Miguel: I really want a daughter. What about you?

Me: I would love to have a daughter, but if we have a son, I have a name picked that is after a very special man that I knew who passed away.

Miguel: Really? What name is that?

Me: Lyles Jonathan. We will call him Lyles Rios. What do you think?

<<INTERJECTION>>: You may be thinking, LYLES??? Really?? Who does that to their kid??? Or you may be thinking, Wow, way to be unique!! Love it! For all inquiring minds, Lyles was the last name of an elderly gentleman from whom when I took art lessons when I was in high school until he died. We shared a birthday, and he became a friend in a time in my life when neither of us had very many friends. I had always hoped to name my son after him.

The conversation continued...

Miguel: It's an ok name.

Me: *sighing in relief that he did not shoot me down*

Miguel: Hey, I want to make you a deal. If you will let me choose the middle name of our first daughter, you can choose her first name, and then name all of our other kids.

Me: (Ecstatically) You have a deal!! What is the name?

<<INTERJECTION>>: I had no clue what name he was going to say, and was not really that worried about it, because I could not pass up a deal that good. You see, I am the type of person who has had LISTS of baby names that I have been adding to and periodically revising from practically the age of eight, so if he was going to hand the job of naming all over to me, I could definitely concur to one middle name, even if it was something absurd that I did not like. And if my daughter did not like it, I could always tell her, "Daddy's idea, not mine!"

Miguel: (With a proud daddy smile) Saory.

I must have blinked. I did not want to belittle a name that was obviously meaningful to him (as was mine), but geez!! Saory? Where could that have come from? Hence my next question:

Me: Where did that come from?

Miguel: (With a bit of a nostalgia mixed with timid excitement) When I was a kid in Mexico, I used to watch this cartoon called Los Caballeros del Zodiaco. There was a Greek goddess on there named Saory, and she has always been my hero. And I want to name my daughter after her.

<<INTERJECTION>>: I know what you may be thinking reading this. Saory? Whaaa?!? Is that Spanish?? Is it pronounced like... SORRY??? Is her daughter going to hate her forever because here in America she will be eternally labeled... SORRY??  Reminded of the huge chip on her shoulder she carries against her wannabe-original parents for branding her as SORRY every time she fills out a form upon which she writes her middle name S-A-O-R-Y?? How do I know that you are thinking this? Because I WAS THINKING IT AT THAT MOMENT!!! What had I just agreed to? Is my child going to have a complex because of her name? Is her middle name going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy about her LIFE?? What child in the universe is cool enough to rock a name like that??

But, alas... This is one of the many quirky reasons that I love my husband. He and I both like weird names. And if he can let me have Lyles, I can let him have Saory. And it would be terrible of me to deny him his lifelong wish of naming his daughter after a Greek goddess on a japanimation cartoon in Mexico. Just the fact that he held on to such a weirdly-inspired name for so long and that he was still so romanced by a cartoon from his childhood was just too dang cute for me to handle. And so, I agreed.

So then, it was up to me to pick her first name. And I had no shortage of options. I then referred to my "list" (he he he.) All the power was in my hands... I had been preparing for this moment my whole life... But then, there was a problem...

Out of all my many, many options for girl names (and there were PLENTY), there was one name that I knew absolutely HAD to be my first daughter's first name, or I would be sorely disappointed. The only thing is, I had already planned to use a middle name with that particular first name. The name was Hadassah Claire. Two names that I absolutely loved. (Hadassah is the Hebrew form of Esther, who was undoubtedly one outstanding female from the Bible, and Claire was UH-MAZINGLY adorable.) Those two names HAD to go together, because my plan was to call her Haddie Claire as a nickname. I had had this list FOREVER, and I just could not budge on this one. Hadassah Claire Rios. Haddie Claire Rios. CRAP!!!!! Why did I agree to Saory when I KNEW she HAD to be Haddie Claire??

But then, like an aura from heaven, I had the perfect solution. Two middle names. Hadassah Claire Saory Rios. We would still be using Saory, but it is not quite as prominent. And I would get my way. And I would be a diplomat, and Miguel would not be crushed. He was a cool guy. I knew he wouldn't have a problem with it. So, I suggested it.

Miguel: (rolling his eyes) That name is too long! And nobody will ever pay attention to 'Saory' because it will be at the end. UGH!!

I honestly could not believe it. How could he not like my idea? Well, I know I had *technically* agreed to it, and *technically* we were still using it, even with the other middle name. And *technically*, he was right that nobody would pay attention to it, but that was kind of my point.

..........Fast forward to August...... Our Gender Reveal Party...... IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!

.......And we were still bickering over her name. Neither of us would budge.

......Fast forward to December 15, 2013. Our precious baby girl came, ten days before her due date. The most amazing day of my life was finally here. I was going to be a mom for the first time. It was a glorious day. Twenty-two hours of horrendous labor, which I tried to manage without anesthesia until about 8 cm, at which point my water broke and I LOST IT, and I DEMANDED an epidural. I was gripping the side of the bed screaming that I wanted to die, and my poor Miguel felt so bad because he could not do anything, and he was the one who had talked me out of an epidural in the beginning. All this was then eventually followed by an emergency c-section (after I had completely dilated and tried to push, but she was in distress.) And then, finally, at 4:23 a.m., I beheld my daughter for the first time. I cried as I laid strapped down and immovable on the operating table, as I looked at her gorgeous head of thick black hair, and her perfect face.

They sewed me up and wheeled me on my bed back into the labor and delivery room, where Miguel had been during my operation. He had gone to the nursery to see our new princess for the first time. Tears were streaming down his face. He was one proud new daddy. I was still loopy from the anesthesia, and I smiled a druggy smile and said, "Honey, you did so good during labor!"

He said, "No, honey, you did good!! It was amazing!! You just had our baby!"

And in that surreal moment of awe, the nurse, who was standing nearby with pen and paper in hand, asked us:

"So, what is your daughter's name?"

And at that moment, you can probably guess what I sweetly asked Miguel.

"Honey, can we use two middle names?"

And guess what he said.

"Of course honey." (He's such a good man.)

And thus, our daughter was officially named Hadassah Claire Saory Rios. A Mexican-American baby with a Hebrew first name, a French middle name, and a Japanese middle name.

And then, just when I thought the battle was over, the war had just begun. Miguel and I had conceded to each other, but then the haters began to hate. I got these kind of comments from friends and strangers alike:

"Why did you give your child two middle names? That is so ridiculous."

"What is so wrong with choosing a normal name like Jennifer or Emma or (insert normal name here.) Why did you choose something so weird?"

"Hadassah? Is that a Muslim name?"

"Saory???" (Always accompanied by a look.)

Some people, when I tell them the story of how we got Hadassah's name, quickly appreciate it, but then there were others who were still shaking their heads at us. Oh well. You can't make everybody happy.

While Miguel is still a little bent out of shape that he gave in to two middle names, we love our sweet Haddie. She is now 16 months old. I learned a lot through our first go at naming a baby. It was a fun experience for us. (I think more for me.) :-)

Every parent goes through some questioning when they name their child. Not everybody chooses a name as unconventional as we did, but then some go even weirder. More power to you brave ones!

I hope you have found humor in our story of naming our daughter. It may not make everybody as happy as it makes me, but I love this story, and I love her name. And that is really all that matters. And we still love all our friends who gave us comments or looks. (You're not really our enemies.)

If you have a funny name story you would like to share, feel free to post it in the comments. And remember the old adage, "It takes all kinds (of names) to make the world go 'round!"

Treadmills and Masks

This week I entered into a time of deep heart-searching, in hopes that the Holy Spirit would reveal to me the place inside me that is broken that needs healing. I trust that God knows all the answers, and that he is my source of healing, hope, and life.

A dear friend gave me Hebrews 9:14, which says, "How much more surely shall the blood of Christ, who by virtue of his eternal Spirit, has offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice to God, purify our consciences from dead works and lifeless observances to serve the ever living God?" (Amplified Bible) I believe that Jesus' blood is enough to do exactly what this verse says, to purify my conscience from dead works and lifeless observances to serve the ever living God. What a difference, between dead works and living the life of purpose that God has for each of us.

I really truly desire the abundant life God has for me. However, sometimes I fall into the prideful trap of thinking, "If I do A, B, and C, and I don't do X, then I will be filled with the Holy Spirit, and I will be where God wants me to be." This methodology could not be further from the truth. It leaves out the only element that can empower me, and instead turns the focus onto me and my efforts. It is because I have been focusing on myself that I have been living a life of defeat. I have been trying to blaze my own trail to freedom, which instead has been a treadmill of exhaustion and discouragement.

So what can I do to turn away from dead works and lifeless observances so that I can serve the ever living God? I believe that my dead works and lifeless observances are really a mask that I am wearing that is rooted in pride. What is my mask covering up?

I think in the church today, we all can get caught up in the lie of performance. It is so easy to fall for, but it is impossible for us to carry out. This is because it is not the purpose for which we were created. Sometimes, even a good thing like having a daily quiet time with the Lord can become part of my entrapment. When it becomes a checklist item, it then becomes very easy for my focus not to be on what Christ has already done to what I am doing right now. The question is, where is my heart resting?

God loves us just as we are. We may know that intellectually, but do we allow it to go to the secret, broken places in our hearts? If we don't, we are only left to try to hold it all together. We wear a mask of what we can do or what we have done, of our standards, of our goodness. We hope no one would ever find out what we look like when we take off our mask...

This is where my search began. I rejoice to say that when I allowed God to show me my own brokenness, he also brought restoration. Even though I didn't even know where to start, God was able to change my confusion and denial into serenity and acceptance of myself. He didn't need my help, all he needed was for me to say yes to him.

Jesus Came to Destroy the Works of the Enemy, Part 2

I want to share with all of you some more of my testimony of how the Lord has delivered me from the bondage in which I used to live, and how he has given me power and authority to live the victorious life he has planned for me. Now, before I say anything else, let me say this: I still stumble and fall, I still make mistakes. I always will this side of eternity. But the difference in me now and me before is that now, I know who I am in Christ, and I believe that I am fully accepted in him. I am being renewed day by day, instead of spinning my wheels in a spiritual ditch.

There is an old saying that goes something like, "If you want to know where you are going, you have got to know where you have been." I have been in some pretty dark places. But I thank God everyday for the good news in 1 Peter 2:9, which says, "You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who brought you OUT darkness, into his marvelous light." God chose me because he wanted me, mess and all.

I became a Christian when I was ten years old. I know at that moment, on December 7, 1997, I genuinely received the Lord Jesus Christ into my life and he became my Lord and Savior. I had grown up I church for most of my childhood, and I understood what salvation meant, and that I needed it, and that I could not have it apart from a relationship with Jesus. So that was the beginning of my new life in Christ.

I was fortunate enough to have a pastor and church leaders who discipled me immediately after I got saved. I began reading my Bible and learning more, and when I started middle school I became involved with the youth group. It seemed to everyone that I had a bright future ahead of me. But no one, not even those closest to me, ever imagined what I would begin going through right after I started high school.

In tenth grade, out of the blue, I started getting depressed. At first, my parents were shocked by it and even in denial a little bit. But it became worse every week as I started withdrawing from everything and everyone, and my thinking became distorted. I even quit eating and sleeping. How was this normal for the star student in the youth group, who never caved in to peer pressure, who was going on mission trips and memorizing whole chapters of the Bible? From a human perspective it made absolutely no sense. And, there had been no recent trauma or change in my life that had triggered this.

What I went through at that age, I can honestly say, was one of the most difficult things I've ever been through in my whole life. I was suicidal and very confused. I blamed myself for my inner struggle, and I convinced myself that I wasn't really saved at all. If I were really saved, why would I be going through all this? Christians don't have depression. The reason why people are treated for clinical depression is because they need God (or so I had heard.)

I ended up being hospitalized twice for my bouts with depression, and I was put on medication that stabilized me and helped me to function in a healthy way. But even though the physical, chemical symptoms were gone, a confusion still remained. I still had so many unanswered questions. My battle was far from over.

As the years went by, I went to counseling on and off, some Christian and some secular. In my experience, the difference in Christian and secular counseling is night and day. Someone who comes to receive counseling should be looked at holistically, meaning their mind, body, soul, spirit, and all their human relationships overlap, and when one is affected, they are all affected in some way. Secular counseling does not do this, but good, quality Christian counseling does.

Even though I was able to function after being put on medication, I was far from "better." Medication can't fix a spiritual battle. Although I am not opposed to medication used to treat psychological problems, and I certainly advocate its use under the care of a doctor, I am just saying that by itself, it is only going to treat part of the problem. But I believe it is a fallacy to measure a person's spiritual maturity by whether or not they take medications for psychological problems.

Having said all this, even though I was taking this medication (which secular psychology says is all I need) I still didn't understand what was going on. Spiritually, I was still a mess. I just couldn't bring myself to isolate that event in my life as some fluke of brain chemistry and then move on. This is what my life looked like: I was constantly mad at myself for not being good enough. I was constantly frozen by fear of rejection. I had no hope. I was in a cloud of confusion. I was constantly striving to be better. I felt like I was still waiting to "arrive" with God, still waiting to get his approval, which was always out of my reach.

Can medication give me these things? Can medication help me be good enough? Can it help me to feel accepted? Can it give me hope? This is where the rubber meets the road, where the spiritual side of my struggle came in. What about the Bible? Does the Bible talk specifically about all this?

There was one verse in the Bible that I remember I always looked over in my teenage years and early twenties, because I never understood it. It was 1 John 4:18, which says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." I couldn't make it work. I was literally enslaved to fear, and I couldn't separate fear from love.

You see, before all this happened, I had had many difficult and sad things happen. My real dad, who I never really knew, died when I was ten years old. I grew up with a stepdad who I never felt close to and a mom with whom I was very disconnected. I even experienced physical and verbal abuse from these relationships. I have learned since then that, when we go through traumatic seasons, that we are much more vulnerable to be deceived into believing lies from the enemy. The only love that I knew from my human relationships was cold and full of fear, tinted with rejection. I remember when I was about twenty years old telling my stepdad that I felt like his approval was like a bar far above my head that, every time I got close to it, it was raised. But at the same time, I blamed myself for all this.

Because of this, I formed beliefs about myself and God. I saw myself as unworthy. I had an identity based in rejection and abandonment. I also had a lot of anger and bitterness. Now, this is where the problem lay. God allowed all these things to happen to me for a reason. He doesn't make mistakes. But we live in a world where relationships are corrupted by sin, and we are wide open targets for Satan day and night. When we do not use out authority in Christ to control what we can, this gives Satan an opportunity to sow into our lives.

Could I control what other people did to me? No. But do I have to live in slavery to the consequences of these actions? Can I control how I respond? No, I don't have to live in bondage, and yes, I am in control of my own reaction. Is it an overnight process? Heavens no! But it can be a reality daily in your life, and I am here to tell you, the freedom that Christ offers is so much greater than bondage to the enemy, and it is real, and it is available!

I began my journey to healing by starting to uncover the lies I had believed for years. I believe Satan's most effective attack against Christians is with their self-image. If you believe something about yourself, whether it is true or not, you will act on that. In psychology, this is called a "self-fulfilling prophecy." Spiritually, the Bible says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." God loves us with an everlasting love. God has forgiven me unconditionally of all of my sins. This is the gospel, and the gospel is my only hope for getting out of this trap of depression and bondage.

As I dug deeper into scripture, I began to realize the connection between me believing what God says about me and me being free. Changing wrong beliefs that you have held you whole life is HARD. And Satan hates it. I promise you, if you want to embark on a journey to do this for yourself, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED. But God made one thing very clear to me in Matthew 6:14-15, which says, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

I needed to forgive those who had sinned against me (i.e., my parents.) It was not easy. At first I thought I couldn't forgive them, or I had to wait until I was ready to forgive them. But I don't heal in order to forgive, I forgive in order to heal. And when I chose to forgave my parents for the things that had happened that were wrong, I was able to experience the first taste of freedom.

In some cases, forgiveness also means reconciliation. However, my pastor, Jimmy Inman, has said, "It takes one to forgive, but it takes two to reconcile." Because of the ongoing problems I had had with them, I had a major falling out with them in 2009. I remember the day I forgave them (and I also told them that I forgave them.) But, in the case of my relationship with them, reconciliation has not happened. I have had to set up boundaries with them. But, as much as that hurts me, I know that I am still who I am in Christ. Even though I have felt the sting of rejection from my parents, I have been accepted by God, and he is the one who matters. I cannot control if other people accept me, but I can be secure in any circumstance because I know that I am accepted by God.

I have some good news. I have been growing in my relationship with God by leaps and bounds, and I am able to live a life filled with joy. When I look back on where I was and where I am now, I know I can say that I am secure in Christ. Jesus has destroyed the work of the enemy in my life. And although I am still on enemy ground here on the earth (and I am even more a target for him, now that I am walking in freedom) I am using my authority in Christ to live a life of victory over Satan. I am walking in his calling, and I believe that the best is yet to come.

I felt like God wanted me to write this today. We are called not to live in isolation or keep our struggles private, but to live in community and share. How has God set you free? In what way has Jesus destroyed the work of the enemy in your life?

Jesus Came to Destroy the Work of the Enemy (Part One)

The Bible teaches that every Christian has three enemies: the world, the flesh, and the devil. In my experience in church, I have received a lot of teaching on overcoming the world and the flesh, but not as much on overcoming the devil. I have received a lot of insight recently from godly teachers on what it means to be victorious over the our enemy, Satan. I believe that what I have learned so far is just the tip of an enormous iceberg. God has given us the tools we need for victorious living in his Word. There is a verse I have been meditating on recently, that previously I had overlooked or taken for granted, and it is the latter part of 1 John 3:8, which says:

"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work." (1 John 3:8b, NIV)

Of course, I have heard the sermons on, "People picture the devil as a little red man running around with a pitchfork, but he was really a beautiful angel who was kicked out of heaven for trying to usurp God's rightful place" and, "One day Satan and all his demons will be banished to the lake of fire." And although those things are very true, that is merely surface knowledge. It is the basic facts we need to know first to understand on a deeper level how Satan really works.

There is much we need to consider in relation to 1 John 3:8, which will be discussed in this post and in later installments. So let's look at some scriptures that teach us about who Satan is and his agenda.

1. Satan hates us passionately and he desires our destruction. In John 10, Jesus tells the parable of The Shepherd and His Flock, in which he calls himself both the Good Shepherd, and the gate by which all who desire eternal life must enter. He describes Satan as a thief, and in John 10:10a, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." 1 Peter 5:8b says, "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." Sometimes, I think we forget or underestimate the depth of his hatred for the saints of God. Why does he hate us so much? Because, according to 1 Peter 2:9, we are "a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that [we] may declare the praises of him who called [us] out of darkness into his marvelous light." We are the apple of God's eye, his most prized possession. He loved us enough to give his only Son to die for us, and because Satan's ultimate enemy is God, the quickest and surest way to pierce God's heart is to attack his beloved.

2. Satan's authority is temporary and limited. Can I get a hallelujah? 1 John 4:4b says, "The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." Satan's days are numbered. That is why he is trying as much as he can to create as much carnage as possible. When we are being attacked by the Enemy, we can have hope because of this verse. God is greater than Satan, and he is in us! On our own, we cannot overcome Satan, but because of Christ in us, we can be triumphant over him.

3. Christ has given us authority over Satan which we CAN exercise. In Matthew 28:18 (the verse preceding the Great Commission) it reads, "The Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.'" In Luke 10:17, after Jesus sent out seventy-two disciples it says, "The seventy-two returned with joy and said, 'Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.'" Romans 8:17 calls us "heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ." All that belongs to Christ now belongs to us as well. We have authority over Satan and all his evil spirits in the name of Jesus.

4. The battle with the Enemy takes place in our minds. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." All sin and evil begins with a thought. Sometimes these thoughts are of our flesh, but many times they are straight from Satan. Once we receive Christ, he can't have us back. We belong to God eternally. But he wants to do everything he can to cause us to doubt God, to live in confusion, to hide from God, to live in bondage and fear, and to not realize who we are in Christ. He does this primarily through deception, although he certainly uses other types of attacks as well. The Bible calls him "the Father of lies" and "the Accuser of the brethren." When Satan has control of our minds, he can easily steer the rest of us, and we become capable of making decisions contrary to who we are in Christ. This does not mean that we have lost our salvation, but it can mean that we are enslaved.

I wish I had known all this years ago.

Now that we have laid out these important points, let me tell you how this basic foundation applies to us.

I always felt bad about my struggle with sin (as I discussed in my last post.) But it was deep, a lot deeper than I ever told anyone. I didn't understand how I could be a genuine Christian and still have the struggles that I had. Of course, being open and honest about our deepest struggles is not an option in a lot of churches today, where believers are expected to put on a smile and have it all together. (Does anyone else loathe that expectation other than me?)

I know that God accepts me just as I am, junk and all, and that I can come to him and be honest, and I don't have to clean myself up first. That is what he desires. He loves me for who I am, not how well I perform as a Christian. I have found unconditional acceptance in my relationship with him, and because of that, I feel compelled to open up to my family in Christ about the struggles I have faced (and still face.) Pastor Rick Warren has said, "You are only as sick as your secrets."

I am a survivor of havoc that Satan has wreaked on my life. I know what it's like to be enslaved. I know what it's like to be accused of being a hypocrite and deceived into believing lies about myself... for years. Subsequently, I lived a life of daily being wracked by fear (especially fear of rejection.) Because of this, I have been very insecure, needy to other people, angry, bitter, in denial, depressed, anxious, and tormented on the inside. I had this pervasive awareness that there was something wrong with me, that I was a failure, that GOD had rejected me. Is that what the Christian life is supposed to be? Aren't Christians supposed to be joyful, able to withstand trials by the grace of God? Aren't we supposed to shine like stars in the universe? Well, that sure wasn't me. And I became hopeless. I was so desperate to have what I truly believed I could never have: Freedom.

Mind you again, this was an INNER struggle. To the leaders in my church, I was a stellar example to the rest of the believers. I read my Bible everyday, I led people to the Lord, I volunteered in many different ministries. I wrote songs on my guitar, I went on mission trips, and one day I wanted to be a full time missionary. Who knew that I could be going through this awful pain, day after day, for years? NO ONE KNEW. I was too afraid and confused to tell anyone.

Satan was having a field day with me, and because I did not recognize what he was doing, and because I was unaware of the authority I have over him in Christ, I was trapped. The most vulnerable, most special, most powerful part of me was in chains. It is bliss to Satan when we remain ignorant. He is capable of so much.

I believe there are multitudes of born-again believers who also suffer daily from the torment of Satan. His ability to deceive us hook, line, and sinker is profound. He accuses us constantly and convinces us to believe things about ourselves that are not true. But I am here to tell you today that THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU! And that hope's name is JESUS! Jesus came to destroy the work of the enemy! Although he is the prince of this world, JESUS owns us; Jesus is the ruler of our hearts! We are set apart for him! Earlier I had quoted the first part of John 10:10. The last part says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." It was true then, and it's true now. It's true for me, and it's true for you. No matter where you have been or what you have done, or what kind of shame you have carried even as a believer, Christ is here to liberate you. He is the only one who can.

In my next post, I am going to get more personal. I have a story, and it's messy at parts. I have skeletons in my closet even still. But God is teaching me to daily walk in victory! It is not an overnight process; it is a daily battle. But because of Christ in me, I can be who I am and not let Satan have authority over me. You may even be surprised at what you will read...       

Walking by the Spirit

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of he flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5:16-18 (ESV)

God tends to work in my life in themes. The theme for this chapter in my life has been walking by the Spirit and enjoying my freedom in Christ.

This past summer, I had the amazing opportunity to journey to Africa on a three week mission trip with e3 Partners. This was very special to me, because from the age of 6, I had told my mom, "One day, I am going to be a missionary in Africa!" I knew that had to be God. It was kind of weird because I did not get saved until I was 10 years old... just goes to show, you can't put God in a box! My dream was finally becoming a reality at the age of 25!

When I was in Africa, I brought a book with me called Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. If you haven't read it, you must! This book floored me. It was an excellent companion to my daily quiet time with the Lord, and it was perfect for what I had been struggling with, even before I went to Zambia. This book talks about being secure in your identity in Christ.

Now, let me tell you a little more about my background. I was raised in church, and I was saved at the age of 10. But like many Christians, I lived in bondage for years after my conversion experience because, even though Satan has no ownership over me, he still works to deceive me into believing lies about who I am and who God is. When I was physically born into this world, I was born a sinner. I was totally depraved. When I was reborn spiritually, I received a new identity (2 Corinthians 5:17.) God no longer related to me as a sinner, but as a saint. It is not because of anything I did, but because of who I instantly became in Christ because of my faith in what he did for me on the cross(Ephesians 2:8-9.)

However, my mind was not instantly rebooted. Even though I instantly became a new creation from an eternal perspective, my mind still operated according to sinful, fleshly patterns that I had learned over the course of my life until that point. Psychologists call these "defense mechanisms." The Bible calls these thought patterns "strongholds." For me to experience my freedom in Christ, these strongholds must come down. But that is a daily process. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 contains the secret to demolishing these strongholds: "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."

Now, fast-forward to my trip to Zambia. Prior to this trip, I had begun being attacked my Satan. He had planted all kinds of doubts in my mind about whether of not I should even be on that trip. He had reminded me of all the sins I had committed, and accused me of being a hypocrite, and not being strong enough to handle what lied ahead of me in Africa.

When I got to Zambia, the attacks only increased in frequency and intensity. I admit I was unprepared. Not only did Satan attack me more because I was serving God, but also because I was in a geographic place where there is much spiritual darkness because of the prevalence of Satanism, witchcraft, animal sacrifices, praying to ancestors, and much other demonic activity. It was hard. But God... (don't you love that! He that is in me is GREATER than he that is in the world!)

BUT GOD was with me every step of the way, and in my weakness, he is stronger! He gave me everything I needed and he kept me safe! He is my Advocate against the Accuser! He gave our team a spirit of unity and we saw many people come to Christ, and we even started a new church in a remote village that had none!

As awesome as that is though, the most awesome thing of all was what he did and is continuing to do IN ME. You see, he is teaching me to WALK BY THE SPIRIT...

Before I went to Africa, I struggled a lot with falling into sinful patterns of living, knowing it was wrong, repenting, sinning again, beating myself up, repenting, sin-repent, sin-repent, sin-repent, repeat. This is not the victory Christ died to give me. I couldn't figure out why I had been a Christian since I was 10 years old and I still had to deal with this. Was something wrong with me? Was I really even saved? Yes, I was saved. But I was in bondage.

God used this trip to Africa and the months that followed to lead me out of bondage and into my glorious freedom in Christ. The whole time I was there, I felt compelled to read Romans 6, over and over again. It made me feel terrible every time I would read it. Starting in verse 1, it says,

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"

Stop right there. I have already blown that part. But it gets a little more tricky starting at verse 3:

"Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin."

That's it! I thought. I just need to try harder to die to myself so that I can be freed from sin! I need to let my old self be crucified with him so that I will no longer be a slave to sin! Why didn't I think of that before?

However, applying my new insight to the scripture wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I kept failing at it. Then I kept reading it again and again, thinking that would help, because I desperately wanted to be free. Finally, after the umpteenth time of reading it, I realized a grammatical detail I had not noticed before... and it totally changed the way I understood that scripture...

"We DIED to sin, how can we live in it any longer? (past tense verb)

"Or don't you know that all of us who WERE baptized into Christ Jesus WERE baptized into his death?" (past tense verb)

"We WERE therefore buried with him..." (past tense verb)

"If we HAVE BEEN united with him in his death..." (past tense verb)

"For we know that our old self WAS crucified with him..." (past tense verb)

"...because anyone who HAS DIED HAS BEEN FREED from sin." (past tense verb)

So, what does all that mean? It means that, the moment I trusted Christ for my salvation, I died to sin! I was baptized into Christ's death! I was buried with him! I was united with him in his death! My old self was crucified with him! And so, therefore, I have been freed from sin!

Of course all that trying and striving was futile... I can't make something happen that has already happened! It is already a reality in my life! It's not what I do; it's who I am... who I am in Christ! Faith is what makes the difference... the reason why I was not experiencing victory in my life is because I was believing in my own efforts instead of believing in Christ in me. When
I finally realized this, and I changed the way I had been thinking, everything started to change. Satan didn't have a leg to stand on in my mind anymore. I was able to live free from sin, because when I would be tempted to go back to old patterns, I would remind myself of WHO I AM IN CHRIST! That is what victory is, and that is what it means to "walk by the Spirit!"  

Let me close with a brief story from my trip to Zambia. After our team had been out in the bush for 12 days, we were packing up and looking for a place where we could camp for one night while we waited for our van to come out and take us to the capital city the next morning. We saw a school that had a big courtyard in the front, and it looked like a safe place to stay for the night. We approached the school and talked to one of the teachers, named Dominic, who happened to be a believer. When we told him why we had come to Zambia and what we had been doing there, he cried. He was isolated as a believer at the school and had been praying for other Christians to come to the area to help start a church there. He begged us to stay there for three days, but unfortunately we had to leave the next day. We were, however, able to show the JESUS Film to his students that evening. It was a beautiful end to our two weeks of ministry. Dominic reminded me of something that captures my experience of learning about walking by the Spirit... He said that in Zambia, there are many people who are Christians, but they have a limited understanding of what that really means. They still live the way they have always lived, the way their parents and grandparents before them lived. This sounded very similar to the United States. But, the believers who really experience what God has for them, are those who BELIEVE and APPLY the gospel... the whole gospel... that it doesn't stop just at being saved... God wants us to enjoy what is already ours in him... glorious freedom that changes EVERYTHING!!

For more insight into what it means to walk by the Spirit, click here

Thinking about New Year's Resolutions a Little Early

Maybe it is a little early to start thinking about New Year's Resolutions... then again, why do I have to wait until the New Year to implement them into my life? If someone really feels compelled to do something, they should find a way or make one. Life is too short not to do what we were truly meant to do.

Yet, why do so many people (myself included) stink at keeping resolutions? Change is never easy, and willpower is rarely ever enough to make positive change happen. Change hurts. It messes up what we already love. When we try to change, we are setting ourselves up for repeated failure.

Over the past year, I have come to accept myself, failures and all. I know I will make mistakes, but that is not going to keep me from trying. I hope that one day I can look back on many fulfilled dreams, all built on blood, sweat, tears, and a whole lot of getting up and trying again.

With that said, I want to welcome you to my blog. I hope you will visit me often so that we can Learn, Live, and Love together! This is my resolution! (Surprise!) To publish my writing on a consistent basis for others to read!

So, why am I blogging? Quite plain and simple, really. I love to write, but for the most part, my writing has been exclusively private. I have kept a prayer journal everyday since I was 11 years old. With a few exceptions, however, I have not written anything to be published.

Recently, to my surprise, God has been convicting me that I need to share this gift. I have to be honest, writing stuff for other people to read is very intimidating to me. But I have been learning about how I was not meant to keep my gifts to myself; they were meant to be shared with others to build them up. So, for this purpose, I believe that this blog will be my starting place to share. I want to be stretched so that I can develop my gifts, and I want to write in such a way that others can benefit and be blessed by reading it, and they can also share in a genuine way.

So, if you are reading this, let me say, THANK YOU!!! Also, I welcome your comments. Please feel free to contact me if you would like.

William Durant said, "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now and do it." This is my resolution as I move into tomorrow. What are your resolutions? Don't put them off, and don't quit, even when you tell yourself you're just yo-yo-ing. You and I are worth making some positive changes in our lives! So let's do it!